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”“Did you answer him?” I asked.She looked down but slowly shook her head indicating she hadn’t, but not saying so.“Bethany, Sweetheart, look at me,” I said.She slowly looked up.“But you’re considering it, aren’t you?” I asked.She nodded, and tears began streaming down her face. I took a couple of deep breaths and willed myself to remain calm. If I wanted her, and I most certainly did, losing my cool was not the way to win her over. Instead, I moved from sitting across from her to sitting next to her, and put my arm around her and held her while she cried. She put her head on my shoulder and I felt warm tears dripping slowly onto the sleeve of my pajama top.“Are you angry with me?” she asked.“No,” I said softly. “It’s not anger I’m feeling, it’s, well, I don’t even know what it is. Fear combined with uncertainty? No, terror combined with complete upheaval.”“Terror?” she asked.“That I’ve somehow done something horribly wrong that’s led us to this point when I thought that we were ready. All my thoughts of exactly how I want to devour her are gone, no longer relevant. She needs me now. I approach her. She’s borderline hysterical. She was thinking about him. That’s what she usually calls him. She can’t stand his name. Sometimes she’ll refer to him as her ex, but usually he’s just ‘him’. I make sure she hears me approaching. She looks at me briefly, her eyes blurred with tears, and nods. She turns away. I come closer, slowly, and wrap my arms around her. I have her arms in an ‘X’ pattern and I hold them there. I hold her close to me as she cries. She can’t move, and she continues to bawl in my arms. She probably saw a photo, a post, some sort of trigger. Or she could have just been thinking about high school, about him, about all the different ways he touched her, about all the pain he’s caused her, about all the pain that is still here, years later. About the pain she fears may never go away. She’s shaking in my arms and I’m all that’s holding her steady. Here, held.
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